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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28527933">projecting</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonhope/pseuds/crimsonhope'>crimsonhope</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Crying, Death, Dreams, Hurt/Comfort, Master &amp; Padawan Relationship(s), Nightmares, Planet Mortis (Star Wars), fluff i won't admit to, post mortis actually</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:14:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28527933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonhope/pseuds/crimsonhope</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>how she's having this conversation with him again is beyond ahsoka's comprehension.<br/>“i told you, it's dangerous. i'm not taking you out there just to watch you die.”<br/>“well, we've done lots of risky stuff and you've never had to watch me die so far!”<br/>something trembles in the force.</p><p>[another long overdue conversation about mortis]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anakin Skywalker &amp; Ahsoka Tano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>projecting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>how she's having this conversation with him again is beyond ahsoka's comprehension.</p><p><br/>
“i told you, it's dangerous. i'm not taking you out there just to watch you die.”</p><p><br/>
“well, we've done lots of risky stuff and you've never had to watch me die <em>so far</em>!”</p><p><br/>
something trembles in the force. it feels like him, yet bigger. it carries whispers of danger, yet she knows there's no actual danger to run away from. it's a memory. a sensation. a... <em>feeling</em>.</p><p><br/>
she expects an angry outburst, she really does. her argument is stupid, it shouldn't even be called an argument, but, well, it's not like his is any better. considering the scope of their recent adventures, his overprotectiveness has really surpassed its expiration date. or should have, in her opinion.</p><p><br/>
“you're not coming, ahsoka.”</p><p><br/>
as expected, but said way too <em>calmly</em> and using her full name, which in this tone sounds just... odd. it almost makes her give up the fight, since it doesn't even feel like a fight anymore. anakin has calmly informed her of his decision once again, as if the previously escalating discussion never took place. force, he almost sounds like obi-wan.</p><p><br/>
“well, then it looks like you're going to have to help me practice my form in the training room.” she doesn't get to go on the mission, he doesn't get the sweet upgrade time with his fighter. <em>your choice, skyguy</em>.</p><p><br/>
“fine. in an hour.”</p><p><br/>
he's still being weird.</p><p>**</p><p>something shifted in his force signature. where there was a solid, steady (albeit slightly irritated) presence not long ago, now holds a storm hitting against desperately put up shields. she is too late to catch even a glimpse, it's always difficult when it comes to him; she finds it harder than usual, however, to ignore the change. it feels like she's the reason. or at least part of the reason.</p><p><br/>
“good job.” he mumbles, after she manages to disarm him for the third time and not feel good about any of it. he's letting her off easy, she can tell, because he never does it.</p><p><br/>
“you're losing on purpose.” she huffs. “that's not fair.”</p><p><br/>
“i'm just distracted. it's... it's the mission.” which is one of the worst attempts at lying on his part, if she's being honest (naturally, it will never beat <em>the one</em>).</p><p><br/>
she lets it go, because when it comes to anakin, it's actually (and unfortunately) the best way to help. she knows he makes it seem that way on purpose, but she often questions whether he <em>knows</em> that's what he does.</p><p>**</p><p>the temple stopped feeling like home a long time ago, though at the same time it's the one place that doesn't produce nightmares for her. for the most part. her mind must associate the place with being able to enter a kind of ‘stand down’ mode, because them and their men don't bother to come down if the leave doesn't last for at least a couple of days.</p><p><br/>
anakin isn't there even then, for the most part. it's not the question of "why" that bothers her (it doesn't, in fact), it's the question of "when". he somehow manages to make an adequate amount of time for her, but she loses track of when he actually comes and goes. it appears that there's no track, to be honest, but just sometimes, ever so often, she'd like to be sure.</p><p>**</p><p>she can't really see much, but she's definitely scared. she hates that the embarrassing emotion is the only thing she can be sure of, but at least it can motivate her to look for it's source.</p><p><br/>
it turns out to be... her. there's another ahsoka in the dream, assuming she counts as one as well, because it doesn't feel like a vision. it's not knew, even though she's never had that particular dream before. it's dark. she can feel that there are shapes around to be distinguished, but her dream consciousness doesn't seem to care much for them.</p><p><br/>
a shadow appears, next to the other her, and all she knows is sudden danger and the need to save... herself? which one? and from what, precisely? the shadow gets closer, everything seems to be getting closer, darker, more and more <em>inevitable</em>...</p><p><br/>
the face of anakin is not something that suprises her in her dreams - she often dreams of those closest to her, in relation to both things joyful and sad, sometimes scary. seeing him now doesn't startle her, but he's not what he usually is. he stands next to the shadow. no, he <em>is the shadow</em>!... and then he's not there anymore, no, it's that <em>creature</em> - it's the son, and she's having one of <em>those</em> nightmares.</p><p><br/>
but it's different. she's more scared, although she appears to be nonexistent in the space - anakin isn't looking at her, the son keeps disappearing, and yet he's there, and then there's herself, not really moving, just... existing.</p><p><br/>
until she's not. her mirror image falls - to the ground, through the ground, it's hard to tell, because it doesn't feel real - and then, right in the middle of her dream, in the middle of somewhere, <em>she dies</em>.</p><p>**</p><p>he wonders if it were ahsoka's words that triggered the dream, or maybe it's just one of his regulars at this point. mom. qui-gon. ahsoka. <em>death</em>. why is it always death? it’s not like battles aren't scary - well, actually, not to him, not in the conventional way. makes sense. heights? some people are scared of heights. ghosts? being chased in the deep underground of coruscant?</p><p><br/>
but here's the thing: he could deal with all of those. there was no definitive outcome, yet, and knows he could manage, if he really wanted it. but his nightmares - what's in them - that can't be helped. that's the point, isn't it? he can't stop it, he's always too late, <em>too weak</em>, and they're always so far away, even though he tries to run - he kicks, struggles, falls over, nowhere near them - then he wakes up, gasping and screaming, and that's the infuriating routine.</p><p><br/>
"master?"</p><p><br/>
he looks up from the mug of <em>something</em> he's been staring into, to see ahsoka standing in the doorway.</p><p><br/>
the moment he sees her face, he feels the guilt. the possibility alone that one day he may accidentally project one of his dreams (<em>nightmares</em>) to her used to be enough to render him terrified, but somehow it never happened. until now. his previously dulled senses make the realization even more striking, and he really does feel terrified - no, <em>she's</em> terrified, and he's the reason.</p><p><br/>
she is nowhere near being able to control her shields, so he's able to see the reason rather than hear it. he'd rather not have her say it out loud, anyway. she probably wouldn't be able to. he can see in her eyes that she knows what happened to her, yet she hasn't even the faintest idea of what she saw. she looks like she could use some answers, but he doesn't want to give them to her, not when she's already got too many.</p><p><br/>
he gives her a hug. that, he can do - he wants to - and she must want some of it to, unless he imagines the faintest squeeze of her arms around his frame, only now it's like pushing...</p><p><br/>
“no... no!” she breaks from his grasp, full of force, pushing him away, and he wants to shield her even tighter. “tell me. tell me what happened out there. on mortis.”</p><p><br/>
his chest tightens, as if his body is physically preventing him from saying anything more; it must be instinctive at this point. he stares, and her eyes aren't just scared anymore - they're angry. they're barely a fraction closer to what she used to be, <em>out there</em>, but it's enough for him to want to put a stop to it at last.</p><p><br/>
“okay.” his voice is barely a whisper, and yet it manages to dissolve the horrifying emotion in her eyes. “okay.”</p><p><br/>
he tries once again, because he simply has to, and this time she molds into him easily, even if her presence in the force feels restless. a part of her is apparently scared not of him, but for him, and he wishes she could have it all the normal way, the way he used to have it: without the war, without death, without as much fear.</p><p>**</p><p>“i could just... show you?”</p><p><br/>
“i don't want you to show me, i want you to <em>tell</em> me.” she straightens herself up on the raggedy couch, facing him, even though he hasn't quite assumed a similar position. he's somewhere in between her and the direction of the kitchen, and he hopes it's enough, because he can't really bring himself to favor either side right now.</p><p><br/>
“you got kidnapped by the son...”</p><p><br/>
“that i know.” her anxiety is rising nonetheless, he can feel it.</p><p><br/>
“i don't know what... happened, exactly, when you were with him, but we were searching for you... and then we found you.” he swallows, eyes glued to his lap. “and you were... being controlled. by him.”</p><p><br/>
“in what way?” ahsoka's face is serious, but he can tell it's an impatient question. he's being too general, he knows it, and he's scared to see the anger return.</p><p><br/>
“he...” <em>what if it terrifies her what if she'll remember what if it's still there what if she blames herself just like…</em> “he forced the dark side... into you. you weren't being yourself.”</p><p><br/>
he pauses, trying not to stare at her, or put her on the spot, but he itches with discomfort. she remains quiet, not moving at first, and then her arms slowly sneak up to wrap themselves around her own frame.</p><p><br/>
“what then?”</p><p><br/>
that part only comes harder.</p><p><br/>
“we fought... you fought me and obi-wan.” she was good, so good, in such a bad way that anakin almost doesn't want her to progress further in her studies just too ensure one less reminder of <em>that duel</em> for either of them.</p><p><br/>
earlier, she had asked him whether he was proud of her. of course he was. <em>of course i am, snips</em>. why is it so hard to say out loud?</p><p><br/>
but now’s not the time.</p><p><br/>
“did i harm any of you?” now her voice has a little more alertness in it.</p><p><br/>
“no, not in any significant way” he tries a smile, it doesn't work. “i swear.”</p><p><br/>
she looks down again, biting her lip, and just for a moment he really wants to mention her skills, but again – it's not the right time. this one time, she may not view it as praise at all.</p><p><br/>
“why did i fight you, did he make me? did i say something?”</p><p><br/>
he swallows again. it's becoming his tell, in a way.</p><p><br/>
“you were... possessed, i guess, so you probably didn't even think about it.”</p><p><br/>
“but did i talk at all?”</p><p><br/>
“...you did.”</p><p><br/>
“what did i say?”</p><p><br/>
“no much...”</p><p><br/>
“did i want to kill you?”</p><p><br/>
he looks up at her then, for the first time. he’s not going to say it; ahsoka is clever, so she already knows. he wishes she didn't have to, but his dreams are only one of the many things he has no control over.</p><p><br/>
he hates seeing her cry – he's seen it multiple times, naturally, despite how strong she is. most of the time she isn't aware of his gaze, her shields still shaky and his senses as the master heightened by the student’s distress, but this is going to be one of those times when she doesn't hide it. it comes in full force, although it comes gradually; his arms are already there to gather her up along with the first sob. he sort of feels like sobbing as well.</p><p><br/>
“i'm sorry... i'm sorry...”</p><p><br/>
“shhh... you did nothing wrong, snips, you didn't do any of that... it doesn't matter now.” she doesn't respond, her fingers curling into his back.</p><p><br/>
he knows it does matter to her, it will for a long time, it may never cease to. he knows that those things just keep mattering. <em>he knows</em>.</p><p><br/>
“why didn't you tell me?” she mumbles, still squeezed into him.</p><p><br/>
<em>i didn't want to scare you. i didn't want to hurt you.</em> he was scared and hurt enough for both of them, he still is.</p><p><br/>
“i wanted to forget that any of it happened. i thought... i didn't want you to deal with any more of that on top of what you already saw, if you didn't have to.”</p><p><br/>
“but you <em>didn't</em> forget.” she detaches herself from him, looking up with a gaze that is neither entirely accusatory, nor emphatic.</p><p><br/>
“i can't really control my dreams... none of us can, unfortunately.” he fixes his eyes on the kitchen counter on the other side of the room, staring at nothing in particular. dreams really aren't his favorite, whether as an experience, or a conversation topic.</p><p><br/>
“so what i saw... what you... was that what happened? he... did he kill me?” her voice is a whisper at the end, and he clenches his eyes shut for the briefest moment. he wants the silence to be his reply, since she's already had to endure the truth from him once that night. “i mean... that's what it felt like, but it was a dream, so i don't... how am i even...”</p><p><br/>
“after he killed the daughter, she used the last of her force to help... resuscitate you, i guess.” he knows it was more that that, even if what he said isn't necessarily a lie. she was dead, the daughter gave her life force to bring ahsoka back to life, but she was <em>dead</em> for at least <em>five minutes</em>, force...</p><p><br/>
her sitting next to him now, alive and (<em>objectively</em>) well and breathing, is what suddenly feels like a dream. it may be that two-in-the-morning effect as well, but he grabs her hand, just to be sure.</p><p><br/>
she adds her other palm to his bigger one – <em>why are her hands so tiny all of a sudden</em> – and she holds on. he can feel her nervousness in the way she probably doesn't mean to, but still keeps squeezing his fingers a bit too hard – not that it's painful for him.</p><p><br/>
“i don't remember any of that.” it sort of sounds like she's talking to herself, as if she's trying to go over everything that happened on her own, in her head, which is exactly what anakin hoped to spare her. “i... i remember waking up.”</p><p><br/>
he remembers the wave of relief washing over him, almost as powerful as the force flowing through his fingers mere seconds before, as she coughed, startled, confused and <em>alive</em>.</p><p><br/>
“don't regret any of the missing memories from that place.” his voice sounds dark, even to himself. “the less things to haunt us, the better.”</p><p>**</p><p>oh.</p><p><br/>
<em>oh.</em>
</p><p><br/>
he <em>saw it.</em></p><p><br/>
he had to <em>watch her die</em>. he actually did, contrary to what her smartass mouth has produced yesterday. she feels worse, if that's even possible.</p><p><br/>
“i'm sorry.”</p><p><br/>
“snips, it's not...”</p><p><br/>
“about the mission talk. yesterday.”</p><p><br/>
he glances up at her, like he kind of can't believe that this is what she's thinking about after all this. it looks like he doesn't really know what to say, but she's finally connected the dots.</p><p><br/>
she buries her head in his shoulder, just for good measure, but it's also the middle of the night, so he probably won't complain.</p><p><br/>
“i don't want to see you die either, skyguy.”</p><p><br/>
“well, i'm older, so...”</p><p><br/>
“you know what i mean. not... not like <em>that</em>.”</p><p><br/>
little is okay, and yet she suddenly feels like dozing off carelessly at any moment.</p><p><br/>
“i'll try my best, snips.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>always ready to die for that post-mortis trauma fics tbh</p><p>pls feel free to additionally roast any mistakes, i was not born with english on my tongue</p></blockquote></div></div>
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